In ShortA lot of the Black men who write to me say the same thing. They are not sure they could handle their wife with a white man, especially one built bigger than them, and they fantasize about exactly that. The fear is not proof the fantasy is wrong. In this lifestyle, the fear is usually the engine.
When I wrote Black Cuckolds Exist, one paragraph got more replies than the whole rest of the page put together. It was the shortest one, and it was about this.
I said that for a lot of these men the whole picture runs in reverse. They are not sure they could handle their wife with a white man, especially one built bigger than them, and they fantasize about exactly that.
Man after man wrote back some version of the same three words. How did you know.
Because I have watched it for ten years
Not that exact picture. Ours has different colors in it. But the mechanism is identical, and I have had a front row seat to it since 2016.
My husband is the strongest man I know. He is also the man who has stood three feet away while another man was with me, with every feeling he has ever had about me arriving at the same moment. Pride. Jealousy. Compersion. Possession. Fear. Love. All of them fighting for the wheel at once.
He has told me since that he did not know which feeling was going to win. He did not know if he was going to be okay.
He stood there anyway.
And here is the part that took him years to be able to say out loud. The nights that were hardest were the same nights that were hottest. Not in spite of each other. The intensity was the difficulty. They were the same thing.
Why the reversal makes so much sense
Once you understand that the difficulty is the point, the reversal stops being confusing.
If you have spent your whole life being handed one role, being told what you are supposed to represent in a room, then the fantasy that costs you the most is the one where somebody else is handed it instead. That is the edge. That is exactly why it pulls.
It is not self hatred. It is not a defect. It is the same thing every Cuckold feels, wearing whatever shape hurts most in your particular life.
What to do with it
Three things, from ten years of watching a man do this well.
Say it out loud to her. Not as a demand. As a thing you have carried and want her to know. The right woman does not run from that. Most wives tell me later that what stayed with them was not the content, it was that he trusted them with it.
Do not let it land on her. Whatever you feel in those moments is yours to own, not hers to carry. My husband said that himself, in his own chapter of our book, and it is the single best sentence in it. If the reality is harder than the fantasy you shared with her, that is not her fault. She did the thing you both decided on.
Take seasons. We have paused for a month. We have paused for six. The marriage stays the same, the version changes. A man who never says he needs a break is the man who burns out and blames the wrong person for it.
One more thing, for the man reading this at 2am
You are going to find a lot of material that tells you this feeling means something is broken in you. Almost none of it was written by someone who has actually lived inside a marriage where this is real.
More than half of men report having this fantasy. That is the majority. You are not an exception, you are the part of the majority that had the nerve to look it in the eye.
The angst does not disappear. It is supposed to be there. It is not a problem to be solved, it is the dynamic, and what matters is not whether you feel it but what you do with it.
You are not broken because it hurts.
→ Keep reading: questions answered honestly · what Black Cuckold means · cuck angst vs compersion · the anonymous survey · the Cuckold guide · the book.
