Chapter One, free, in full

A Note From My Husband

By Her Uncommon Husband · Together since 1994 · Married since 1999

If you are a man reading this and your stomach is in a knot, I have been where you are. Stay with me.

Anyone who has known me my entire life would never believe I am letting this book come out. They would be shocked to see what we actually do in the private world we built. For our entire relationship I have been the traditional husband. Providing, protective, controlling. The kind of man who, when I was younger, would have criticized this lifestyle as much as anyone.

We have always talked about our fantasies. We have always had that fun in the bedroom. But for the longest time, my need for control meant I could never actually let it happen.

Eventually I reached a point where I had to make a choice. If I had spent my whole life talking about something that interests both of us, and we never actually try it, we would have looked back with regret. As we got into the later years of our marriage, our kids were older, our business was doing well, and life was generally less stressful. But life is short and I wanted both of us to live our best lives together.

Now let me say something to the man reading this who is still on the fence. This was harder for me than it was for her. Reality is different from fantasy. Be ready.

I know that is not what you want to hear. We tell ourselves the opposite.

The hard part for her will be walking through that door. Everyone will be out of their comfort zone but in my experience hers is the easier role. The Switch flips and she is gone into the moment. I was the one sitting there with every feeling I ever had about my wife stacked on top of each other at the same time. Pride. Jealousy. Compersion. Possession. Lust. Fear. Love. Service. They all show up at once and they all fight for the wheel.

That is the work. And nobody warned me it was coming.

Here is what I want you to hold onto when it hits.

She is not doing this because something is missing. She is doing this because she and I decided to play the game. That is the only reason. It is voluntary. It is ours. I can change the rules tomorrow. I can slow it down or put it on hold for a season. I can say not tonight. The whole thing only exists because both of us keep choosing it. I remind myself of that when the noise in my head gets loud.

The other thing I want you to hold onto is this. I have found that the moments when I am doing something hard for a purpose, those moments that are the hardest in real time are the moments I will look back on and be the proudest or most excited about. They are for me anyway.

I know that sounds backwards. It is not.

I trained for the Chattanooga Ironman. The Ironman race is a race consisting of a 2.4-mile swim, a 112-mile bike ride, and a 26.2-mile run, to end it. Totaling 140.6 miles. Most of that training was hard. The race itself was even harder. There were hours of it where every part of my body and my brain was telling me to stop. I did not stop. I want to do another one. Those moments are the ones that I look back on with the most excitement and pride.

The lifestyle can be similar sometimes. The moment when I am sitting there and I want to call it off, that is the edge. That is the thing I will remember for the rest of my life. More than the easy nights. The hard ones. The ones where I kept watching, or let it keep moving forward, when every instinct was screaming at me to slow down or stop it. Here is the part nobody tells you. Those are also the hottest nights. The ones where my stomach was in a knot and I couldn't look away. Where I was jealous and turned on and proud all at once and I cannot separate the threads. The intensity is not in spite of how hard it is. The intensity is how hard it is. The two things are the same thing. That is the part that took me years to understand. This is not for everyone. Men are wired differently. For some, this could be the biggest nightmare of their lives. If that is you this is not the lifestyle for you. Be honest with yourself. Be ready and find what works.

Years from now I will look back at the version of myself that almost said stop, and most of the time I will be glad that I kept moving forward. That is my experience.

But I want to be honest with you. There were nights I wanted to blame her. Nights I needed to step away and reset. That is part of it too. If a moment is too much, it is okay to say so. It is okay to pause. It is okay to take a season off. We have done all of those things.

What is not okay is letting the resentment land on her. Because here is the truth I had to sit with in the quiet: I am the one who led her to this. We talked about it for over twenty years before she ever went through with it. She did not cheat on me. She did the thing we both decided on. She trusted me. If my reality ended up harder than the fantasy I shared with her, that is not her fault.

Communicate. We talk more about how we handle jealousy later in the book. For now, just hear this: whatever you feel in those moments is yours to own. Not hers to carry.

This is not a lifestyle that rewards comfort. Neither does anything else in life worth having. The businesses we built. The marriage we were building. The kids we raised. The body I trained. Everything great in my life has been found after I pushed through something hard. This is one more of those things.

I push the edge. I keep moving forward. I trust the woman who picked me in the first place.

She still picks me. Every single time. That is the whole point.

So stop listening to what society says a man should be. In my mind, a man does what he wants to do for himself and the people he cares about, period. Unaffected by other people's opinions.

What kind of man would I be if I let society talk me out of something that has ended up being completely life-changing for us? When I look at the absolute fire we have now and everything we have built together, all of it stems from ignoring the rules and finally writing our own.

I want to make this crystal clear to the men reading this: our reality is not the typical internet search version of the Hotwife lifestyle. If you go online you will see a lot of the extreme sissy or cuckold content. We also have a strict no male to male contact. If any of that works for someone else, fine. But that is not the whole lifestyle and it is certainly not ours.

There are different flavors to all of this with fantasy still playing a role. We are mostly what you would call Stag and Vixen. She really likes adding the cuckold flavor. Sometimes I do feel that pull where I want to step back and let her be in control. The service trait is strong in me and I want to give it to her. It is incredibly hot for both of us because it pushes our limits. It gets intense. That is exactly why we have seasons in our marriage. Some seasons are wild. Then we need a little break, so we step back, close ranks, and keep it just between us. We do not share when we do not want to.

Part of what makes any of those flavors work for us is the language we built together over the years.

For the outside world looking in, the way we talk to each other during those intense moments, in my music, on a meme, can sound shocking. To anyone outside our marriage, it could sound cruel. Like she has stopped respecting me. Like she is enjoying tearing me down. You have to understand that is simply the language of our game. It can get intense when that fun mean streak of hers comes out. It is a language we have developed and perfected over more than three decades together. We know exactly what it means. We know it is our secret. We both love the tease.

We had growing pains and you will too. It gets easier when you remember this is the lifestyle you both chose. It is voluntary. It can change back if we choose. That is the deal we made.

I love my wife like no other. I love touching her, having her all to myself, sleeping next to her every night, being wrapped around her every single night. But there is a totally different, undeniable thrill in stepping back, watching her, and not being fully in it. I get to see her in a way I never see her any other time. The expression on her face. Her toes curling. The sounds she makes. It is a beautiful paradox, watching the woman I love, married, and protect step into that fire and show zero anxiety, zero shame, and total freedom. Mixed with the jealousy, the compersion, and the service trait fighting inside me. In that world something just takes over. We both know what every person in that room is there to do. They are there to give my wife the best night she can possibly have. It's a memorable experience for everyone involved.

We are not putting this in anybody's face and we are certainly not pushing anyone else to do it. We simply decided to do our marriage a little differently and we are happier than we have ever been. You have to stop listening to what society wants for you and start figuring out what actually makes you happy. We are sharing this to give you an understanding of what works for us. This is not a fantasy. This is our real life.

Before I end, I want to say something about my wife.

For those who do not know her, she is simply the best, most caring, and purely good person I know. She has spent her whole life putting others first. She is an amazing mother. A strong business owner. True to her heart and what I just said is an understatement.

Knowing that about her and watching the side of her that was born when we walked through that door has been the most mind-blowing experience of my life. To see my perfect, faithful wife become completely free, confident, and totally consumed by pleasure is something I cannot fully describe. I get to see the sheer ecstasy on her face, and I get to catch the deeply intimate eye contact that only we understand.

As her song says: "Life unfolds in ways unknown, paths appear but not foreshown."

I am so incredibly proud of her, and of everything we have built side by side. I am thankful we decided to walk through our own path together. You are still the one. (That was our wedding song by Shania Twain, because everyone always said we would not make it. We did.)

One last thing in my own words.

I have read every page of this book. Not just skimmed it. Read it. Sometimes pausing on the harder pages so we could talk it through. She has my full blessing to share our story exactly as it is told here. If you are a husband reading this and any part of it feels familiar, you are not alone. I am rooting for you and your wife both. Not for this lifestyle but for a fulfilling life and marriage and whatever that means to you. It is scary putting all of this out there, wondering what people will think and say. But we would rather be judged by the words in this book than by a quick Hotwife Google search.

We proved them all wrong.

Her Uncommon Husband

That is chapter one. The rest of the book is mine, and it starts the day I met him in a parking lot in 1994. You can read it here.

If you are the wife and he is the one who asked you, I wrote a whole section for you. How we write this site, and what we refuse to make up, is on the standards page.

We are one.