Man to Man
The Uncommon Husband
An Uncommon Husband is a married man who chose, together with his wife, to let her be a Hotwife. Everything happens with his full knowledge and approval, and the marriage stays at the center. He is not giving something up. He is choosing it.
My Tyler is my Uncommon Husband, and yes, my Cuckold. We have been together since 1994 and married since 1999. He is a former federal law enforcement officer, an airborne soldier, an MMA fighter and an Ironman finisher. He talked about this for over twenty years before we ever did it. This page is his, for the husband who is where he used to be.
"A man does what he wants to do for himself and the people he cares about, period. Unaffected by other people's opinions."
"I chose this. I brought it to her. It has always been spicy fun between us, and we love that we do what we want."
Tyler, Her Uncommon Husband
What a real alpha looks like
People throw the word alpha around all the time. My Tyler was alpha his whole life, and he still is. What I learned from watching him is that a real alpha has nothing to prove. He lives life by his own design. He does not let anyone else design it for him, not society, not the internet, not the guys at the gym.
That is the dilemma for a man like him. He is alpha, and society tries to put a man like that in a box. But he has never been one to let other people tell him how to live.
We have always had spicy fun, since we were teenagers. Somewhere along the way we stopped caring how society thinks our marriage should be. We make our own rules.
Choosing this was not him giving up control. It was him using it. He decided what our marriage would be, with me, and he does not need anyone's permission or approval for it.
In his own words
If you are a man reading this and your stomach is in a knot, I have been where you are. Stay with me.
Anyone who has known me my entire life would never believe I am letting this book come out. For our entire relationship I have been the traditional husband. Providing, protective, controlling.
Now let me say something to the man reading this who is still on the fence. This was harder for me than it was for her. Reality is different from fantasy. Be ready.
The Uncommon Husband Code
Six lines, all his, straight from chapter one of our book.
- "It is voluntary. It is ours. I can change the rules tomorrow."
- "Whatever you feel in those moments is yours to own. Not hers to carry."
- "The intensity is not in spite of how hard it is. The intensity is how hard it is."
- "If a moment is too much, it is okay to say so. It is okay to pause."
- "A man does what he wants to do for himself and the people he cares about, period."
- "I trust the woman who picked me in the first place. She still picks me. Every single time."
You are not the only one
If you have carried this thought alone, here is what we know. In sex researcher Justin Lehmiller's survey of thousands of Americans, 58% of men said they had fantasized about this, and about a third of women had too (CNN, from his book Tell Me What You Want). When we opened Ask Happy, it got about 2,000 questions in its first six weeks. There are so many people like us.
It is not new either. Plutarch wrote that in Sparta, home of the most famous warriors in history, an older husband who admired a younger man could introduce him to his wife, and a worthy man could ask for another man's wife "if her husband would consent" (Life of Lycurgus, 15). A different world with different reasons, but the husband's choice sat at the center of it, the same as in ours.
The oldest story of all is a warning. The word candaulism comes from King Candaules, who showed his wife to another man without asking her, and it ended in disaster. That is the whole difference. In our marriage nothing happens unless we both choose it.
The service trait
Some men feel a pull to give their wife the best night of her life, even when it is not them in the bed. Tyler calls it the service trait, and he does not see it as weakness. In his words: "The service trait is strong in me and I want to give it to her. It is incredibly hot for both of us because it pushes our limits." We will be talking about this a lot more on the podcast, because we are still learning about it ourselves.
Questions men ask him
What is an Uncommon Husband?
An Uncommon Husband is a married man who chose, together with his wife, to let her be a Hotwife. Everything happens with his full knowledge and approval, and the marriage stays at the center. He is not giving something up. He is choosing it, from strength.
Is it hard for the husband?
Yes. In our marriage it was harder for him than for me. Pride, jealousy, compersion, love and service all show up at the same time. He says the hardest nights are also the ones he is proudest of, and the hottest ones. It is real, and it takes communication.
Is Tyler a Stag or a Cuckold?
Both, depending on the season. Stag and Vixen is our everyday baseline. We add the Cuckold flavor in seasons when we both want to push that line, then we dial it back. We have a strict no male to male contact rule. Always.
Can an alpha male be a Cuckold?
Yes. My Tyler was alpha his whole life. A real alpha has nothing to prove. He lives life by his own design and does not let other people design it for him. Choosing this with his wife is him using his control, not giving it up.
Does being a Cuckold make him less of a man?
No. My Tyler is a former federal law enforcement officer, an airborne soldier, an MMA fighter and an Ironman finisher. In his words, a man does what he wants for himself and the people he cares about, unaffected by other people's opinions.
Hear him
Short clips in his own voice, from our private live chats with members.
More of him, each with the full transcript:
- His first time watching
- The Cuckold stigma: a different kind of man
- For husbands asking how to talk to their wives
- Would he allow overnights?
- We are introverts, not party people
He is also on The Happy Hotwife Podcast. If you want the word itself explained, read what a Cuckold really is.
For the man who wants to say it out loud
The Uncommon Husband line is mugs, tumblers, tees and towels with one word on them that only the two of you fully understand. And if your wife is the one reading, I wrote a whole section for her.
Our whole story, both sides, is in the book: Becoming Happy Hotwife. Written by Happy Hotwife and her Uncommon Husband.
We are one.