How to Find a Bull: It Is Just Dating

People ask me how to find a Bull like there must be a system, a protocol, some secret science lifestyle couples guard. There is not. It is so basic I almost did not write this page.

But I kept getting the question, and I finally understood why. Nobody asking it is actually confused about the steps. They are so overwhelmed by the whole idea that they cannot see the first move. They are looking at the forest and they do not see the tree. Something this big, surely it cannot begin with something this small. So the internet hands them a hundred rules, and the hundred rules confirm their fear that it is complicated.

Here is the tree.

It is just dating

It starts with flirting, wherever you are looking. Then a meet over dinner or coffee or whatever. Then you see if everyone clicks. That is it. That is the whole thing everybody is sure must be more complicated than it is.

You already know how to do this. You did it before you were married. The only thing you actually lost is not knowledge, it is nerve, and this page exists to hand it back. If you can date, you can do this.

Where the flirting happens

Wherever you already are. For us it started on a blog site, of all places, because that is where we happened to be. For you it might be a lifestyle site, an app, a club night, or a man who already looks at you a beat too long at the gym. There is no magic venue. The venue is wherever you are when you decide to stop researching and start flirting.

And wives, a warning from someone who lives it: the moment you open that door, you will not face a shortage. You will face a flood. My inbox is proof. The problem you actually need to solve is not finding men. It is sorting them, which is a different skill with its own page.

The first meet is a meet and greet, not a contract

Public place. Daylight if you want it. Nothing promised. That first public meet and greet is not a date and not an audition, it is three adults seeing if we all click. If we do, we play that night or plan another one. We only ever meet in public that once; after that we go wherever it is hosted. She gets to be wanted for an hour. Hubby gets the delicious knot in his stomach of watching her get ready. If it clicks, there is a next step. If it does not, you had coffee.

That is the entire mechanism. Flirt, meet, click or do not click, repeat. Couples who have been talking about this for two years without messaging anybody do not need more research. They need to go flirt with someone.

The part that actually protects you

Finding him is the easy half. Knowing whether he is the one you let inside your marriage is the half that deserves your attention, and it is not a checklist, it is a conversation. State your rules first, watch how he takes your no, and keep the one camera rule that shows you exactly who he is. I wrote the whole method here: Vetting a Bull: the rules conversation, the red flags, and the one test that matters. Read it before your first meet.

The full story of how we found our way into this, ten years of it, is in my book, including a whole chapter on screening and safety. And if you have a question this page did not answer, ask me. I answer for real.

→ Keep reading: Vetting a Bull (part two) · what is a Bull · Hotwife Rules for Beginners · the book · Ask Happy.