In ShortI did not start this because something was missing. I started this happy. Years in, I found out I love something my husband is not built for, and now I go out and get it. He is not missing anything. He does not have one thing. Those are different sentences.
There is a search men make at two in the morning, after their wife has gone to sleep. Will she leave me for him. Am I enough. What happens when she finds someone better.
I know men make it because they write to me about it. My husband made it too, in his own head, years before any of this was real.
The question underneath the question
Almost nobody asks me whether the Hotwife lifestyle works.
They ask me whether they are enough.
My husband is not what Google showed you
Search the word Cuckold and you will meet a man I have never met. Small, soft, sorry for himself.
That is not my husband.
He spent fifteen years in fugitive recovery. He has fought in the ring. He has built businesses and a marriage since we were sixteen. He is the most manly man I know, and he was that at sixteen too. We wrote about why we reclaimed the word rather than hiding from it.
There is one thing he does not have
I am a Size Queen. I have said so on this site, in a song, and to anyone who asked.
My husband is not built that way.
And I look for it now
On purpose. It is a requirement. When I pick a Bull, I do not settle for less than what I like, and I have not for years.
It matters to me. I go and get it.
The order is the part nobody considers
I did not start this because I wanted that. I found out I wanted that because I started this.
In 2015 I did not have a size preference. Not a quiet one, not a secret one. I had a husband I was crazy about and a marriage I was happy in, and that was the whole picture.
Then we opened a door for completely different reasons, and years in, I learned something about my own body that I had no way of knowing before. You cannot miss something that is not on the map yet.
Happy first. Lifestyle second. Preference third.
The fear you are carrying needs that in the opposite order. It needs a wife who was quietly unsatisfied and went looking. I was not unsatisfied and I was not looking. I was having a good time and I found something out.
What I am not looking for
A more manly man. My husband is the most manly man I know. He was that when I met him, before there was anything to compare him to.
What I like is the variety. Sometimes it is an executive. Sometimes a musician. Sometimes someone who makes me laugh all night. Different men feel different and I enjoy that.
None of it is a comparison to him.
What actually holds it
I did find him without looking. So I am not going to tell you that not looking is what keeps me safe. It is not.
It is him. And it is thirty two years that nobody can hand me in a night.
We built our life around being together as much as we can. We work together. We train together. We go everywhere together. That is the part nobody pictures when they hear what we do.
A new man has one good evening to offer. That is the whole of it. There is no version of meeting somebody where he arrives with what my husband and I have already built, because that part took us our whole lives. We are still doing it, and we would not trade it for anything.
We are one.
So what is a Bull
Not an upgrade. Not a replacement.
He has the one thing. Past that he is whoever he is, and that is half the fun.
He does not know my kids. He does not know what I was like at nineteen. He is not who I call when something goes wrong. He is a night. My husband is my life.
The part you came here for
I have the opportunity. Not someday, not hypothetically. Every day.
I am already talking to men. If I wanted to sneak around I would not have to try. Lunch. Nobody would ever know.
I do not want to.
What those men have, I like, and it stops at the bedroom door. It does not get near the man I have spent my life with. One of them is a feeling in a room. The other one is my life.
I am not telling you that to reassure you. I am telling you what I pick on an ordinary day when nothing is in my way.
Missing, and not having
My husband is not missing anything. He does not have one thing.
Those are different sentences. Missing is a judgment about a man. Does not have is a fact about a body. Google turned them into the same word, and that is most of the lie.
It is anatomy, not a ranking of men.
Nobody thinks a woman who married a tall man is insulting him by liking green eyes too. Name this one measurement and suddenly the husband is lesser. He is not.
More is not the same as instead
If you take one thing off this page, take this.
Wanting more of something is not the same as being unhappy with what you have.
My marriage was not broken in 2016. We are a Hotwife couple because we were already happy, not the other way around. If my husband were not enough I would not have needed a lifestyle. I would have needed a divorce.
If you are the wife reading this
He brought it up and now you are wondering what he thinks is wrong with the two of you.
Probably nothing. That was the hardest part for me to believe too.
When he first told me, my first thought was that he must be bored with me. It was the opposite. He wanted to see me wanted. He wanted to watch somebody else work out what he already had.
I did not know that was even available.
It can go wrong
It goes wrong when the lifestyle is being used to fix something instead of add something. It goes wrong when one person is agreeing out of fear of losing the other. It goes wrong when there are rules somebody wrote down that nobody meant.
Here is the tell. If you are saying yes because you are afraid of what happens when you say no, stop. That is a marriage with a problem wearing the lifestyle as a costume.
The couples this works for are the ones who were fine before.
What my husband worked out
What changed it was not me promising. It was watching what actually happened. I came home every time, and the coming home was better than before.
Ten years later he is the one who notices first when it has been too long.
If you are the man reading this at two in the morning
You are asking whether you are enough.
You are. You are just not everything, and no man is. I am not everything for him either, and he knew that about me long before there was a Bull in the room.
So do not ask whether she will leave you for him. Ask whether she is happy with you right now, before any of this. If the answer is yes, this will not take her from you. If the answer is no, this will not fix it, and you have a different conversation to have tonight with no Bull in it.
My husband was already enough. That is why there was room for more.
The whole story of how we got here, from 1994 to now, is in Becoming Happy Hotwife. How I write this site, and what I refuse to make up, is on the standards page.
